I feel like this is becoming 'insecurity dump blog', for which I apologize. But you know, I started this blog to more or less chronicle my journey to finishing my first book, and I feel like it would be dishonest to gloss over the insecure parts and just talk about how excited and confident I am.
Because . . . I'm not. Not today, not at all.
I almost have to shut out future speculation to continue with this thing. When I start actually thinking about all the rejection letters I'm bound to receive in non-abstract terms, I kind of freeze up and start to panic. Maybe panic is a strong word. I guess you could say it harshes my joy, and anyone who knows me knows that's not a hard thing to do.
I'm ridiculously self-critical. I am literally unable to read what I've written so far with the eyes of a general reader. I'm always tearing it apart, breaking down what I have and trying to find a better way to say it. I know this is good for the editing process because it means whatever I eventually barf out will be spit-shined and polished until it gleams, but it's kind of a hit to my own confidence. I'm having trouble separating the thoughts that 'this needs to be better' and 'you're a shitty writer-give up'.
I think part of the problem here is that I have absolutely no context for where I stand skill wise. Not to sound like an arrogant dickhole, but in music -- especially later in my music making life -- I always knew where I stood. I knew what I was good at and what I was bad at. I knew what others were good and bad at. I knew exactly where I stood.
But with writing . . . I have absolutely no idea. I feel exactly the same as I felt about my music skills in high school. I was constantly full of crippling self doubt, and I hadn't been a part of the music world long enough to get a good sense for it. When some one complimented me, my first reaction was to assume they were mocking me.
Sadly, I am not kidding.
So it's the same with writing. Fernando has been reading each chapter as I complete it and helping me edit general things, and his overall impression is that it's very good. He thinks I'll publish and establish a niche following, maybe even gain critical acclaim. My first reaction is to second guess his assessment, which is incredibly not fair to him. He's one of the smartest people I know, and he does NOT have shitty taste. In fact, he's kind of a snob (in a good way- it's one of the things I love about him, because let's face it; I'm a snob too).
Man, I don't know. I'm a head case. Suzi says I'm too hard on myself, and that is absolutely true. I'm my own worst critic. Which is good in a way, because it means I'll always push myself to be the best I can, but it also kind of sucks, especially when I just want to look at what I've written so far and think to myself 'you're on your way, lady. you're doing it.' Even typing that felt false.
I guess I just have to tell the critical self-conscious part of myself to shut the hell up. I mean, I am kind of doing it, I suppose. I'm a quarter of the way finished; that's pretty momentous. It's not like I'm running out of things to write, either; I have a very clear idea of what I'm going to do with every little thread and character running around in my mind. The notes I"ve taken help a bit, but most of it is just there, waiting to come down on paper.
I've realized the goal of editing isn't to make your words sound better, but to make them closer to that flash of inspiration I have when I think of my story. It's to translate, an exercise in translation. Every word I type is taking me closer to that goal, and when I go back to edit, it's to clarify the translation. Thinking about it that way helps me feel like less of a hack.
Just gotta keep on keeping on. I am doing it.
*Note- that picture is my writing nook. I tend to focus MUCH better when I set aside a little corner for myself. I can't write at my desktop -I suspect because I use that monster almost totally for gaming, and also because the keyboard is not as responsive as the one on my laptop. Writing on the couch doesn't work either, because when you flop on the couch, it's with the mindset to relax. I don't want to relax when I'm writing; I want my mind to sharp, responsive. I might personalize the writing nook a little more; post some motivational pictures and things. But I write the best when I'm at my nook. There's almost a bit of ritual to it, which I like.
